Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Now I know why the NKANDLA chicken crossed the road

Just when I thought I have heard the most outrageous political spin. Just when I thought I have seen some of the most stupid actions by some of the dimwits out there, in comes the South African government troika called…..wait for it….”the Security Cluster” (insert music from Lee van Cleef’s The good, the bad and the ugly, here).

Stuff dreams are made off
I have been following the troika’s briefing online and on social media, oh the joy of instant news much better than some of the instant foodstuff the missus buys at the grocery shop. Well back to the briefing I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. You know for some reason I thought I was dreaming, I mean the drivel spewed out by the security cluster clowns is stuff dreams are made off. Just like my dream earlier this week when I dreamt a giant Easter bunny was chasing me at gun point wanting to mug me. You don’t believe my dream? Well you most probably haven’t heard some of the stuff coming from the briefing on the Nkandla Resort scandal. That stuff makes my dream seem real.

The tumble dry of lies, for we can no longer call such spin, included reasons like the police commissioner saying “the chicken run can be a security impediment” hence is was “moved”. The same was said of the cattle (poor beasts), in fact they posed a great risk in that they got to have a R1, 5 million culvert complete with an entertainment area, a pool of their own and all bells and whistles.  I know, I know when I heard all the reasons for the security upgrade I was asking myself as well if the press conference was held in some kindergarten (no disrespect to the little munchkins). In fact I wouldn’t even get this report past my 2 and 6 year old boys and their kindergarten friends. Pictures this: “why daddy?....but why daddy?....but why daddy?

So forget the other excuses about the so called security upgrades, off I went searching for synonyms for ‘chicken’ and guess what came up: cowardly; frightened; scared; fearful; jumpy; afraid. Oh man poor fowls, they are all of the latter and yet they pose a risk to the number one citizen. But then again I understand that since they are cowardly; frightened; scared; fearful; jumpy; afraid they are at risk – okay I think I am confusing myself now, I wonder how the ministers keep up with all these stories. Spinning – or tumble drying – needs some serious attention lest you confuse yourself and be caught out.

Chicken in a Jacuzzi 
It is most probably much better for these jumpy-afraid fowls in the Nkandla resort, especially with all the people walking in to buy mielie meal and chappies at the spaza shop, I thought. Why with a new chicken run probably with a jaccuzi and all.

So now I know why the proverbial chicken crossed the road – the road being that newly tarred P5 from Kranskop to Nkandla. Well it wanted to get to the newly refurbished presidential resort across the road. Why stay on the other side of the road while there’s a nice chicken run at the resort with security cameras, a security wall, a security water pool, a security spaza shop, a security waiting room; a security clinic; a security entertainment room, a security Astroturf soccer pitch, a security village for the relatives (no silly, I am not referring to the cows) and other security luxuries. I would also cross that road if I was the chicken. In fact I would cross the road with the whole flock, brood, clutch and peep.

Eat your heart out farmer Brown; gone are the days of if it’s fresh, it’s Farmer Brown. The Nkandla fowls are the new s’khothanes*.

*S’khothane – a flashy dresser who takes pride in showing off his expensive taste in clothes; jewelry and even food (funny though is that he normally can’t afford this on his own and relies on parents – pun intended).

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